I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
