your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My dick has a subreddit
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
