my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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