Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
