If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
