i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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