3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
