I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
