do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
