WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
