Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
