so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
