I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
