Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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