Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
