I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
