We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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