its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
