I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
