so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
