you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Use "feeling words"
Yay
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
