Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
we're so committed to being not committed
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
