this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
