DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
