the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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