I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
How's work?
Spinning.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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