We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
