I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
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My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
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He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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