oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
there is glitter all over my balls
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
