I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
