I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
