i just google imaged poop.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
