you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
