Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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