You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We talked him into tasing himself.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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