So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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