Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
