someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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