if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
