Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
