Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
