just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
