i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
