There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
