Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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