How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
