i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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