The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
