i would punch a child for taco bell
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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