from now on my penis is your penis
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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