she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize
