he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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