Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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