ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
