Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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