i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
